So there I was-looking around my living room, lost. I had no idea what I was going to do. You see, I'm the girl who has always had to figure it out or I would have died. I always had to have the answers. I had to have the chores done in time or I would have gotten it good. I had to make sure the homework was done, the dishes were washed and the kids were asleep.
Then I grew up and went straight from helping my single mother raise her children, into having my own. I literally have never had a moment, since I was 11, that I wasn't solely responsible for the outcome of another human life.
Where were we? Ah, in my living room. Hmm..."Let's go to Oregon!" I exclaimed manically to my children. The two youngest being the only ones at home, they both looked at me like I was borderline insane (and just being released from a mental hospital three weeks previous and quitting my job three DAYS before, I don't blame them) and yet undeniably intrigued at the prospect of a before-school adventure, they conceded. "Um, OK!" agreed my eight-year-old, who is a people pleaser and my little angel. I spent the next 3 hours cooking and packing food into a cooler and making sure the kids were fed, washed and packed for our trip. Stopping by the bank, I withdrew my last $300 so I wouldn't have to worry about not finding a branch of my bank on the way. Completely incognito-just like when my two eldest were this age. I love it. I didn't have anyone to answer to, my boyfriend (we said we were married, pledged before God, but he decided he changed his mind) broke up with me then I broke up with him, then he let me know I wasn't good enough for him so I had nobody to answer to. (no bitterness-just painting a picture of how crazy my life was up to this point)
I had no job, no husband, no responsibilities other than trying to find work to pay these insurmountable bills. I knew it was irresponsible, but I had to leave. Don't you see the necessity? I was literally crawling out of my skin with unanswered questions.
Where did Elijah go? David? All of them. They followed God's calling, got in their own way trying run ahead of the Creator to find Him their way, and ended up not seeing Him until they fell, exhausted and defeated into a quiet place where there was no ruckus, only the voice of the Spirit could be heard. Then they were sent right back to where they came from!!! He's a crafty one, that God. His timing, not ours.
I wasn't going to find peace, answers, or a job in the few days I had to run away. I needed to go far away to the silence where all ruckus and distraction were killed off. I needed to go with the purpose of being obedient to seek the voice of God so I could be made a useful pot for His good work again.
I was so damaged, filled with self-doubt, angry at situations I had no control over, dwelling on the what-if's, shoulda-coulda-woulda's & the ex. What the hell have I done?! AGAIN!!! Same story. I ruin a good thing because I want everything my way and I allow Satan's demons to oppress me to the point of immobility. Then, my inaction and failures are projected on those around me as though THEY have to do something to make me the person I know I am destined to become.
This is MY path, not THEIRS. Little Red Hen, gather your own wheat, grind your own flour, bake your own loaf, then share in the blessings with those that are still there after you are done doing the will of God. You don't need THEIR help. It's God who wants the acknowledgement and the glory for all the marvelous things you are going to do. If you lean on them, THEY will be able to take pride in your accomplishments because they assisted you. God is your only helper. God is your only healer. God is your only. Yes and Amen.
We came home from Oregon tired, mosquito-eaten, sticky and oh-so-happy. I had been able to hike through the gorgeous PNW coastal trails with my two favorite human beans (Roald Dahl is our current bedtime author of choice). I interacted with my four-year-old as I haven't his entire life. So distracted by the THINGS I was being told I must do to make his life better, I forgot to enjoy him fully. I remembered on this trip that it is not up to the people around us to pave our road. We are all created with the voice of God inside of us. You may call this intuition, instinct, subconscious or "just a feeling". I KNOW it is the voice of my creator, the creator of all things. I KNOW that the same voice that steers me away from trouble and toward opportunities is the same voice that tells the trees to breath for us. It's the same voice that tells the animals to migrate. It's the same voice that tells the cells in a zygote what piece of tissue they are to become. And that voice talks to me! It tells me the best course of action! It wants the best for me and wants to bless me with more than I can fathom!
Guess what? It wants the same for you, too. Realizing that I am a princess, a daughter of the creator of the universe did not make me feel egotistical. I didn't feel crazy. I didn't feel unworthy. You want to know how I feel right now?
I feel energized, peaceful, hopeful, strong, UNBEATABLE, powerful, omniscient, impressed with a new sense of purpose I still don't fully grasp; I feel like I don't care what any of you other farm animals are doing, but this little red hen is going to plant, sow, water, tend, reap, grind, bake and enjoy this BREAD OF LIFE. You are welcome to hang out with me. If you know more about one of these steps than I do, I welcome your wise counsel. If you are curious how to start, I would love to help where I can. But don't you dare try and tell me I'm doing something wrong. Don't stand there and tell me it's not good enough. Don't watch and gossip and whisper while I work my fingers to the bone through sweat and tears. You want to stand on the sidelines, you are welcome to as long as you are either silent or cheering. If you are going to try and put a negative spin on how MY GOD is leading me, you are welcome to get lost and come back with a humble apology. I'm running to my blessing. My God has shown it to me and it will be mine, in the way I want it, and it will be better than I could have imagined.
You want this? You want what I found? You have it. It's been there the entire time. Just put out your hand and accept it.