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Anxiety and no control...But it's ok.

There's something to be said for having children who all love me and put up with my lovey. They also tolerate my blank stares and mutterings knowing I'm deep in conversation with God. But when I come home and round Eagle road and it's just about time for me to catch a glimpse of his truck at school on my way to my daughter's house-I turn into a silly girl. A stupid, anxiety frozen, breathless girl.

Forgive my late-night rambling. I just pulled on my lounge pants at my daughter's house after a full day of driving and high emotions of goodbyes. We just had a wonderful week in Park City for my 40th birthday celebration and my older daughter and granddaughter had to say goodbye to my son-in-law after we arrived in Salt Lake so he can work for a month before bringing them over. Then I missed my eldest son while passing through his town because I had to drive my rv to a neighboring town and drop it for the long 55mph drive back to Montana tomorrow. Then, I dropped my 10 year old off at her daddy's because she has school here, not where I'm working. She cried and held me for 20 minutes. My sweet-spirited and loving children. Five beautiful reflections of perfect love.

God spoke to me during my lone journey for 2 hours in my rv. A podcaster I normally only like watching on YouTube, Havilah Cunnington, came into my feed with her latest episode, 87- Relationship Reality Check.

Here's the deal. I made an eternal promise to someone (Ephesians 5:22-33). A promise that was reciprocated. A promise I meant. And over the past 2 years, my dedication has been tested and I have been mocked and ridiculed for my devotion to this person.

But I can't seem to let go.

In retrospect, I realize the part of the inability to let go is because he "dangles carrots"-or did, until June when it got so silent, I was concerned he died. No explanation, no conversation, no fight, NOTHING. Just silence.

That silence is my answer.

God told me to let him be my husband (Hosea 2:2-22) and he's been allowing me to realize my relationship with this person is, in fact, an adulterous relationship. Are you following me? If you are not as in love with God as I am, you are probably thinking I'm a looney toon, but I assure you, I am sane. This is my journey and God uses my dreamer personality and ability to love everybody instantly to create my own kind of learning environment. He uses the podcasts, books, conversations and music I encounter daily to confirm to me what he wants me to assimilate out of his Holy Scripture I read twice daily (Joshua 1:8). Many secular people think of this as "willing it into existence" or "the Law of Attraction". Because what I am feeding my soul, the Holy Bible-God's language-my heart is changing and I am able to see more clearly what God wants me to learn in the every day interactions I have. It's easier to accept than a 12' angel coming down and forcing my way. For me, anyway. You don't have to agree or understand.

Back to Havilah. God used her in a format I normally don't ever take her in, to speak to me peacefully and beautifully. I'm not going to go into it because if you're still reading this post, you will love the podcast and her delivery. Me explaining it to you would be akin to someone trying to redo a standup act. It just loses too much in the translation.

My heart hurts for this person. I ache in a way women mourn a dead spouse. But I have been given permission to let go long enough to let God finish in me what he has planned for this season. Since the only man I want is him, I will give this season the rest of the labor it needs to deliver a healthy outcome for God's glory. In doing that, I will be building myself (1 Peter 1:5) to be the minister and rock I know He created me to be. At the end of this season, if this person has not fulfilled his promise to me, I believe I won't care because God promised he will have led me to my husband at that time, so if he's not there, the one God is preparing for me will be. If he is-it is because God was preparing him for me, as well (Deuteronomy 26:3). Do you understand?

The moral of my rant is this-we are not to run ahead of God. If we stay with him and in his perfect will, he will prepare us, build us, and deliver us into something we could never have planned for ourselves. In my situation, if I hold too tight, if I rush anything because I don't respect the timing of God (Titus 1:2-3), I WILL kill this relationship and any hope of even a kingdom-building relationship with this person in the form of a friendship and partnership. All things work together for good in the end for those who love him and are called according to their purpose (Romans 8:28). I'm obediently walking toward my affirmed purpose and it's not the end and I love him so all of this will be good one day. Without ativan or vodka. Stay focused on God, let go of your idols, and he will deliver you from your Pharaoh, walk with you through your desert, and drop you into your promised land prepared and weaponized to be strong in your God-given gifts.

Bless you, I love you all so much. Reach out if you want prayer and share this with someone you think it could bless.

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