I did it.
I'm a minister.
I have spent months in a strange and beautifully confusing self-exploration crisis resulting in a reminder that I promised God instant and unquestioning obedience in all things.
Yesterday, I wrote a 7 page letter to my husband giving an accounting of my feelings for not only him, but some authentic apologies and revelations on my manipulations and shortcomings in our relationship resulting in him running. This was after God was telling me to write this letter since August of 2018. Instant obedience ignored.
I know after my conversation with God yesterday and Him leading me to several sermons and podcasts all related in topic, He was reminding me that the chaos in my life since about mid-October is a direct result of my disobedience.
So I rushed home, found the only lined paper in the house (in my journal) and wrote out some brief thoughts. I imagine a 7 page letter to anyone cannot be considered brief, but when you consider all of my experiences and thoughts I've needed to share with him for two years have been left either unsaid or misspoken, it's really just the tip of the iceberg.
So here we are now, with my purpose still in front of me, hopeful in my journey and after I put that letter in the mail, posted and taken from the carrier, I was given a song (It is Well, Bethel Music), a podcast (Havilah Cunnington episode 99), and a YouTube sermon (Expression 58/Shawn Bolz Jesus' story is MY story) that all confirmed the idea I've been pregnant with for months, reassuring me that I was hearing correctly. **click on links above to enjoy them for yourself**
So here it goes, the obedience of writing more often so I increase my skills and ability to be comprehended (case in point, I just spent 15 minutes trying to find a word that would better convey 'ability to be comprehended'). Obedience in taking advantage of every opportunity to love on people or serve in this amazing small community. Obedience in writing the book God told me to write and after, He would give me my husband. Obedience in ALL things.
It's getting easier-to be the person I see I'm supposed to be. Have you ever struggled with addiction or not being able to prioritize your time or your life?
I have. For a very long time. It makes simply being you kind of impossible. I suffered from FOMO (in the thick of it, I loved every minute of it) and describe my specific form of the disease as the intense need to make sure all of the crappy, self-loathing people around me got home from the party safe, had a safe ride home from the strip club, got their kids up and fed etc. And I did all this while either high on cocaine or ecstasy, half-drunk, or on occasion, high on crystal meth masquerading as 'molly'. Also, just to let you know what a great person I was at that time in my life, I was also relying on my 13-16 year old daughter to raise my newborn son who is now 6. At the time, I thought I was helping others. I was delusional and nobody called me out. Who would? I had chosen to surround myself with people who were far worse off than me and pretty much cut ties with any family that would recognize what was going on. (Don't fret, that chapter has gone, thanks to intervention from The Father.)
After 13 years in the strip clubs and slowly digressing from a healthy single mom raising 2 kids with only childcare help from the government to a bi-polar single mother of 5 with all of the excuses about why my relationships failed, I had increased my cost of living after making more money stripping in one night than I made in a two-week paycheck to the point that I HAD to strip to pay my bills. Unless a customer came in and offered to pay me to stop dancing for the occasional trip with them.
I was a fucking mess.
I still am. But I'm healing. Thank God for His undying love and the way he chased after me, leaving the 99 of my Life Church in Boise, Idaho to drag me away to a beautiful farm in Montana with great friends to heal. He is so good. I cannot go into the details of my time here just yet, but I will later. Life Church is still my church home, even though I only listen to the sermons on Podcast and visit only when I'm back in town visiting. I will return when God takes me back.
So ya, I'm a minister. Now, to find my fellow sheep to love on and co-operatively hunt for truth together. Pray for me, wish me luck, send me love and everything in between. All I need are people who want to love God and love people as much as I do. As I maintain my obedience and humility, knowing that I am so unprepared for this assignment, I am reminded this is exactly the reason I'm ready now.
I love you all so much. More than you know. But I will no longer be veered off track. You will not manipulate me into sedentary indifference. Nobody will take a place higher on my list of priorities over my Lord Hawyah YHWH Yeshua and my children-this beautifully flawed quiver of arrows. He has given me my assignment and although I have, and will continue to encounter challenges and trials that make it look hopeless, I will remember always that He works ALL things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. (Rom 8:28) Wisdom through trials and that when we go to men for affirmation of who we are, or release from a prison, we die (Acts 28).
Stay the course. If you don't know your purpose, just ask Him. He wants to talk to you and lead you to your destiny. It's going to be awesome.