Everything has been so strange lately. I have so much free time, but find myself unmotivated to progress in things. I get anxiety when I think about starting a project, writing a message, even paying my bills.
I then just pace around my house, trying to prioritize tasks until I either give up or convince myself to have a glass of wine to level out my thoughts. That usually turns into 4-6 glasses of wine and nothing getting done until bedtime.
I'm working a 'real job' for the first time in forever and I'm not making enough money to support my children. I don't even pay for rent and I can't seem to make anything better. God makes sure that I make just enough to negotiate with bill collectors so as not to drop my score any more, but not enough to get ahead or go crazy. I know He is teaching me to steward my blessings appropriately, so I don't have any confusion or stress about my future but it sure is rough being dirt poor again. The desire to go back to dancing is strong, but I am glad I've let my brain and heart renew and my body fall apart just enough that it's no more than a fleeting dream of a thought that doesn't take hold.
I wonder how many other people that go through what I am currently experiencing give up and give in to the desire to drown their stresses, ignore their kids, quit work etc. and see no end to the stress and hardships. Lots, if I were to judge by the sad and put out people wandering the streets and filling seats in the welfare office.
It's one thing to say I have hope in the fact that God will always care for me and provide for me, and completely another to find some way to instill that same hope in others who deserve to KNOW it. How do we convince the hopeless that they are children of God and do not have to worry? How do we give them inherent knowledge of the salvation and blessings that are theirs if they will only believe and receive? What words can we use to not sound like someone trying to calm the fears and stress of someone who makes us uncomfortable with their discomfort? How do we let them know we know and we truly want them to grasp out for their riches and receive them?
By being vulnerable, that's how. We do it by not holding back sharing our story of hardship and stress, by freely telling all we are given of the speed bumps we have overcome to give faith through witnessing honestly.
That's what I do for all of you on this blog. On YouTube, Facebook and Instagram. That's what I do with my friends, co-workers and relatives. It has backfired with my own adult son, but I will not stop sharing my life with everyone who will read, listen or ask.
John 6:37, God says "All that the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never drive away."
It is YOUR choice to read and interact with me, and even if your response is anger or judgement, I have to respond because you were given to me by God. We don't have to agree with each other, but if you want change, you get to have a dialogue with me or others God puts in your life...
I love you, my darlings.